Apparently working in the mailroom at the office requires above average speech. Yelling “Yo Peterson you got some mail!” Wasn’t cutting it. Though it did get a few laughs from the pretty secretary Joan.
I started reading the food section in the newspaper often. I had never cooked a meal of my own until I moved out on my own. I never knew cooking was this great. Maybe my folks kicking me out was a good thing to begin with.
“Uh… No thanks. You’re not my type.” I said trying to hide my disgust.
“Why doesn’t anyone want me and my mouth!” She screamed as she stalked away.
After the promiscuous lady left, I discovered I had bugs.. Roaches.. I was being extra careful. You know not leaving food out and cleaning the counter religiously. “Where’s my maid Sophia when I need her!” Upon leaving my folk’s place, I left behind the maid I had known all my life. She cleaned all of my messes without one complaint. Well I guess if you’re getting paid a generous sum you can’t complain can you?
I didn’t have much money but I figured I could afford to hire an exterminator.
As my luck would have it, I caught the damn flu. Probably from one of those snot nosed pencil pushers at work. So of course I called in sick.
I spent most of the day in bed daydreaming and trying to get rid of this flu. I was going to be livid if I missed another day of work.
I found the hobby of making toys. I figured I could sell the toys to gain a little extra money. Maybe even open my own business eventually.
The next night after work I decided to hit the town in search for my future wife. My search wasn’t as good as it could be. But some Gypsy sold me a potion. I was sure it was just water and pink dye, but with my luck it was worth a try.
“You know if you come with me behind these bushes I’ll show you what I can do with these lips.” Why are all the women here like this!
“Uh, can we just have a normal conversation?” I reasoned with her. Look at me now reasoning with a lady of the night. Well I assume she’s a lady of the night. What with her telling me what she can do with those lips. Wait til she tells me her prices!
Lady of the night turned out to be sorta nice. Enough for me to flirt with her. But maybe that’s how they lure you into their extreme prices and rise of Woo-hoo transmitted diseases!
I got tired of being single. I was ready for a wife. Or at least a girlfriend. So I called the matchmaker woman. I didn’t have much money to give her so I gave her what I had and crossed my fingers.
So this half decent blonde bombshell dropped out of the sky. Too bad we had nothing in common what so ever. But anyway I took her out to the dinner.
“I’m hoping to find a wife to fertilize her eggs so I can prove to my father I can be a better man than him without his damn money.” And then she walked by. The blue eye angel. Her fashion taste wasn’t up to par, but with my help I think I could fix her.
“My rocket is like super big!” See diarrhea of the mouth..
“Oh really..?” Shelby winked at me. She seemed to be eyeing my rocket’s hiding quarter.
I had invited my neighbor Hanna over. Just to get to know her better. Honest. But one thing led to another.. You’ll see.
This is how Hanna decided to greet me. With a full on kiss. Keep in mind Hanna is married, and has a son. This won’t look good for my neighbors to see. Especially when one of my neighbors is in love with Hanna’s sister.
Hanna happens to be a pretty great kisser. I’ve never been able to tell a lady no. Honestly this was no my intentions! She wouldn’t even give me two seconds to tell her this wasn’t right.
Too keep Hanna from trying to eat my face, I decided to give her a makeover.
Which didn’t keep her at bay for long. I asked her to go on home, because let’s face it this isn’t right. And I have someone else in mind. I can wife a taken woman.
I invited Shelby over the next night for hamburgers and possible to get closer to her.
Did you know women get turned on when you throw bits of food at them. What? Only Shelby is weird like that? I guess I better not try that on another woman though.
Things progressed quickly with Shelby and I. Though I couldn’t seem to convince her to spend the night with me. I don’t look like such a bad guy do I?
Though convincing her to sleep with me wasn’t too hard. All I had to do was mention my rocket. *Wink wink*
Things were getting hot and heavy between us. I had hoped Hanna wouldn’t catch us, because imagine the drama that would unfold in Hanna walked by and saw this? Even though she’s married still, women are territorial Not saying men aren’t too. But yeah, women claim what’s theirs a lot quicker than men.
After a few nights I asked Shelby to move in with me. Thanks to the gypsy’s love potion. I don’t know if it was the love potion or just pure luck. But since luck rarely graces me, I’m going on the love potion. Even if it taste like dirt mixed with sugar. Don’t ask me how I would know how that taste. It was a dare and boredom. Dares and Boredom don’t mix kids.
The potion also earned me a free ass grope while slow dancing. Normally my hand would be slapped away.
I wasted no time asking Shelby to marry me. It turns out she had a lot of family related goals, like getting married, having a ton of children and etc.
Since neither of us knew anyone to come to the wedding we just had it alone in the living room. And I’d be damned if I was inviting Hanna. I mean she is a friend, but she wants more than friendship from me. Seeing this would drive her mad.
I like to think luck was finally on my side when I met Shelby. She was already gabbing on about having a baby. A little too soon I think, but whatever makes her happy.
Shelby is very affectionate, I’d be outside taking the trash out and she’d run out and start kissing my arms.
I could barely make it to bed without being stopped to make out. Not that I’m complaining. It’s quite nice. Yet unbelievably. So maybe this won’t be a misadventure.